Another magical element to the show ALF was that each episode title was also the name of a song. For example, Season 2 Episode 23 is called "I'm Your Puppet" and it's about Alf trying out ventriloquism. "I'm Your Puppet" is also a song by James & Bobby Purify and it's about being horny. So I thought it'd be a fun idea to take some other songs and turn them into episodes with a description of what the plot might have been.
"Breed"
Nirvana's "Nevermind" is celebrating it's own anniversary this week as well. On Friday the album will have been out for 30 years coming out a year after ALF had ended. So since the show never got to make any quips about the band I figured I'd name a fake episode after one of my favorite songs by them. In "Breed" Alf garners an interest in horse racing. After losing many bets he decides he'll breed his own perfect race horse and steals the two best horses from their stables. Here’s a sample of a joke that would probably happen...
Two horses are in the garage Alf is brushing one of them and Willie is standing there aggravated.
Willie: And how do you expect to do this? You haven't the first clue about anything related to horse breeding.
Alf: Willie, relax. I'll just dim the lights, put on some Aaron Neville, leave a bottle of champagne and it'll be off to the races. Oh by the way! Hide any glue you left out here. Glue is an instant mood killer for any horse trying to get their oats.
"Yellow"
I'm not the biggest Coldplay fan but they are a pretty big deal so I'd imagine the writers at ALF would notice that and have one of their hits be an episode title. In "Yellow" the young Tanner son, Brian, is having nightmares and keeps wetting the bed so it's up to Alf to help out and put a stop to these nightly golden showers. How about a sample joke...
It's Saturday morning and breakfast is being served in the kitchen. The family is all there except Brian. Kate sends Alf upstairs to check on him. Alf enters the room and finds Brian in his pajamas still in bed sitting upright and under the covers.
Alf: Brian! Get up sleepy head! Kate made breakfast and I swear I only ate one of your pancakes this time. And your eggs. And your bacon. Okay, I may have eaten your entire breakfast.
Brian: I can't. I can't get up. I wet the bed.
Alf: You the wet bed? That's fantastic! On Melmac wetting the bed was a sign of good luck and that you'd soon have all the money and riches you could imagine!
Brian: But Alf we're on Earth. The only thing wetting the bed gives you here is a rash.
"Am I Alone and Unobserved?"
This song comes from the sixth collaboration between Arthur Sullivan and W. S. Gilbert: a comedic opera called "Patience". It's basically about a poet named Reginald and all the ladies like him but he only likes this one lady named Patience but she likes this other poet named Archibald and it turns out Reginald is doing the poetry thing just to get ladies anyways and also there's the Dragoon Guards who are like way too serious and they were supposed to get with all these ladies and their standing around like "What the heck happened? What did we do? What DO we do?". Yeah. Something, something, satire about the aesthetic movement in late 19th century England. I don't know I've only listened to the 1961 D'Oyly Carte Opera Company version a handful of times I couldn't really tell you what the hell's going on I just like tunes. Anyways in "Am I Alone and Unobserved?" Alf screws up big time with the Tanners and so they decide to pretend he doesn't exist to punish him. And now a sample joke...
The living room. Willie is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper, Kate is also on the couch flipping through a magazine, Lynn is at the table doing homework, Brian is on the floor playing with a few toys, and Alf is standing there giving off an aura of impatience.
Alf: So this is how it's going to be, huh? You all are just going to act like I don't exist?
A deafening silence as the Tanners continue ignoring Alf.
Alf: This isn't even the worst thing I've done! Do you remember when I was going to make a super genetic freak race horse? Mrs. Ochmonek is STILL in the hospital because of that stunt!
Again... more silence except the occasional flipping through pages and clearing of the throat from the Tanner family.
Alf goes over to Brian.
Alf: Even you, Brian? Don't you remember when I helped you stop wetting the bed? It took weeks to instill that rodeo dream in your consciousness for whenever you had to go.
Brian continues to play with his toys. Alf walks to the center of the room by the coffee table.
Alf: I've had it! You people think you can ignore me so easily? I'll give you something that not even someone miles away could ignore!
Alf then leaps on the coffee table, puts his hands on his knees and squats down. The Tanner family are startled by the thud of Alf landing on the table and continuing staring at him with looks of horror knowing exactly what was about to take place.
Alf: On Melmac we called this dropping the alien kids off at the space pool! Get it!? Because Melmac is in space! And I'm an alien! And that's how you rotten people look at me! Nothing but an extraterrestrial nuisance! It's about time I show you all what I think of you!
Alf concentrates on his positioning and grunts loudly. The family at this point are all standing up not knowing what to do with themselves. Until finally they break their silence.
Kate: Alf! NO!
Willie: Please Alf don't do this to us!
Lynn: Oh my gosh! Alf!
Brian: He's gonna blow!
Alf is still continuing his process and it does appear that he's in a huge amount of pain until finally a loud hard plop sound is made as something of heavy weight lands on the table. Alf pants for a bit and then relaxes.
Alf: There. That's all yours. You should all be ashamed of yourselves for treating me like that. I'll be leaving now-
Kate: Oh my goodness!
Lynn: It's beautiful!
Willie: How is this possible?
Brian: We're rich!
Alf: What are you all talking about? I just went to the bathroom on your coffee table.
But in fact what laid on the table wasn't a steaming pile of feces but a diamond the size of a bowling ball.
Willie: Alf, when you use the restroom... diamonds come out from you?
Alf: Well, I wouldn't exactly call them diamonds. I think "ordure" would be a more appropriate term.
Kate: This can change everything! We can go anywhere... be who we want to be... we won't have to work ...we can always be together!
Lynn: We could live in a mansion!
Brian: We could buy a baseball team!
Alf: I think the best you could get with one of those is a used Cimarron.
Willie: Oh Alf, we're sorry we pushed you this far. We all have our flaws and make mistakes now and again but we love you and you'll always be a part of this family.
Alf: Ah, I can't stay mad at you guys besides I'm the one who screwed up in the first place and I'm sorry. I'll never drill a hole in the gas line and practice juggling flaming bowling pins in the house ever again.
Alf and the family join together for a group hug. Kate sniffles at the air...
Kate: What in the world is that smell?
Alf: You do remember where that diamond came from, right?
So there it is some fake ALF episodes if they were titled after other songs. Tomorrow will be the official anniversary of the show so come back to the WindleyHub for that and also the rest of the week for more crap as we celebrate with ALF week.
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