Hollywood just doesn’t stop! Cranking out shit that is! Remakes, remakes, remakes disguised as sequels, sequels disguised as remakes, and so on. I just watched the newest attempt (that’s what we’ll call it) of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre available on Netflix. And you better believe my expectations were low.
I've only seen the first two of these movies from the 70s. I know there’s at least 10 of them at this point. Pretty sure the first two are among the only ones worth watching, but I could be mistaken. In this 2022-ized version, a group of influencers (this word makes me want to barf every time I read it, let alone type it) decide to drive their Tesla into the ghost town of Harlow Texas so they can transform it into a trendy gentrified hellhole for them and a bus full of their social media buddies. Awful, right? I’m just getting started.
There are four main characters but the two that survive most of this movie are Melody and Lila. They're sisters and Melody wants to be there and Lila doesn’t. Ideally the main characters are who you’d want to win in movies. Usually they’re the good guys. But I found myself cheering Leatherface on. I’m not sure what the writers and directors wanted. Maybe I was right to hate all these people. But like these kids bust up into his crib where he’s been chilling with this old lady who takes care of him enough to where he hasn’t been killing anyone, and demand they leave, claiming they have the deed to the place which is later revealed to be not true. So the police get involved and the old lady has a heart attack and dies on the way to the hospital so Leatherface is "back in the New York Groove" so to speak. Or Texas Groove I guess. He kills everyone and I can’t say I blame him. It’s pretty awesome. I wanted all those people to be chainsaw massacred Texas style and they were (except for Lila, which happened to be the only character who I could stand.) At one point he bashes a dudes head until it is jello and then proceeds to get on the bus full of influencers (yuck), who are using it as a party bus at this point since it’s raining, and slaughters every last one of them. They even make you think he’s dead at the end but then he comes back and beheads Melody and then roll credits. That part I liked. I didn’t want him to die because of these dorks so hopefully he’s just living it up in the ghost town that he was able to reclaim.
They also brought back Sally Hardesty, who was the sole survivor of the original Texas Chainsaw movie. Why they did this I’m not entirely sure, especially since the original actress who played this character passed away in 2014. She didn’t really add anything. She helped out a little bit but then got killed. So the character didn’t really get any positive closure. Oh well.
The gore was awesome. If you’ve read these before you probably expected me to say that. And the 1:21 runtime was pretty nice too. I couldn’t have sat through it if it was any longer probably. I gave it 2 stars on letterboxd. Which honestly is probably 2 many. Might go change it.
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